By with love on Tuesday, January 5, 2010 @ 5:45 PM
A day to remember. I will never forget the look on my mom's face when she gave me the news.
I was walking to starbucks today and I was closely observing every part of our world. The road was freshly covered with snow, children were laughing, talking about the latest gossip; who likes who and who is hotter. Trees were exposed, bare naked to the coldness of the white sparkling fluff, and all I could think of is... I am running out of time. My beloved Haya and I were laughing and talking, but my head was completely gone, my heart racing, how could I tell her that I was afraid. I had a feeling.
What happens when I am gone?
What happens to my memories?
My past, present and future?
Will anyone miss me?
Will I feel the pain?
Will I be remembered?
Did I do enough, did I leave an impact on the world or someone?
I am not ready to go.
How much time do i have?
No I refuse.
But do I have a choice?
What if I never fall in love?
And never have the chance to experience life and all its fullness?
So many questions.
Time is running.
My time is running
I am losing time and every second, my body ages.
Every second could be my last.
Its funnny how it never hits us, that our end is slowly approaching and just like that we still have enough time to spare and not worry. But i am fully aware, maybe not all the time, but it hits me everyday. Today could be my last.
It's the scary reality, we have to live with.
I dedicate this day to her. My gran grandma died at the age of 87; at 1:30 this afternoon.
Favourite band, favourite singer, one of the greatest rock female singers.
She is very inspirational to me. And i find this song very claming and emotional.
I will learn how to play this on the piano and sing it.
Forever in my heart, love Petka
3 Comments:
Dearest Petka,
I feel this way a lot. Every single time I get a head-ache, stomach-ache or anything out of the ordinary, I think, "I could die right now, right here". What would happen? I wouldn't have lived my life yet.
But aging is going to happen, whether you want it or not. I'm gonna be 17 in the next couple months and I feel like I'm getting older and older and my life is passing by without being lived out to the fullest.
This is why you have to live every moment full out! Without fear or thought that one day you will have done everything you want to in life. This moment will never come. You'll always want to do something else, see something more, achieve something more. You're never gonna stop at maybe 93 and say "Hey I've done everything I want to, I'm okay with going now."
That's why you have to make those wants, desires, those moments, those achievements happen NOW. I know you can't possibly make everything happen right this minute, but you have to try, work at it, and be greatful for the time and life and all the things you get have now, at this very moment.
I'm such a hippocrite, I don't think or live like this at all. But I guess it's a work in progress :)
I also pray that your grandma is at peace Petra.
xoxo
awww love, i'm so sorry about your gran grandma, and may she rest in peace.
And about those thoughts, i understand how you feel, and you know i do. There is so much out there that we have left to experience but it all feels so out of reach.
Well here's an idea. make a list. write it down. of things you would like to do or accomplish through out your life time, and i'm sure that if you look back on it years to come from now, you'll realize just how much you've accomplished.
love you
and RIP grangrandma. <3
-Hi_yuh
i love both of you and one of the things on my list is to never let you go, ever!
and i am not even saying that as one of those people who say those things and never accomplish them. no. i will stay friends with you and you will never leave my heart.
thank you, she was very close to me and I hope she rests in peace too, its the hardest on my mom. I have to be strong for her, it was her grandma, but I am just scared thats all. too much to think about and too much to do.
Again you two are amazing and you make my days that much brighter and more exciting.
without you, my days, my life would never be the same. thank you <3
love Petka
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