This is all I want. All I ever needed.

Let's be friends, that's what he said nearly four weeks ago. So then what happened.

My friends this summer has been the turning point of my life. First of I broke up with the guy who was a complete mistake. I have learned that no matter how much you try to force love on yourself the more you push it away.

I am in the most vulnerable position of my life. I have lost 6 pounds, and have cried for about 4 days straight. My eyes are red, puffy and the tears just keep rolling. There is no stopping these emotions. This is something real.

Here is the story.


I basically was in a relationship where all I ever wondered was he is not the guy, what am I doing, I am not happy, I shouldn't be doing this. I left for Europe with the same thoughts and feelings, but stupid me, I did not do anything with them. I left it. I was too afraid to break his heart and leave him vulnerable. I kept thinking maybe I am supposed to be with this guy, maybe love takes time, maybe I will come back and finally feel something.

I was wrong. Doing nothing about such bad feelings just left me breaking up with him on the phone. I couldn't do it anymore. So, on my birthday, august 3rd, I called him and told him that I never had any real feelings for him and I was lying to myself and him, that I did. Obviously he was not happy to hear the news, but honestly I was completely fine. That just shows how much I really did not care about him.

On the other hand, I have been at my grandmas house two weeks already and there was this guy. Three words to describe him. Tall, dark and handsome. Luckily I told myself no guys, no relationships and no drama this summer.

My promise has been broken. Not even realizing the situation, I started talking to him. Now I just look back on the day, thinking I should of ran then and there. But no. Curious me, we hit up conversation about his life, my life, school, friends; the typical conversation starters. His smile hit me, his mysterious eyes looked  right at me and I was gone. That night he invited me to go out, but my cousin had a fever so I had to cancel.

After our conversations got deeper, our relationship bloomed into a friendship. In a matter of two weeks, we had time to go to a rock concert, out for dinner, to a pub, for walks and played badminton till midnight. We spent mutliple hours on the phone and when I left to my other grandma's house and he left for work, we spent our nights talking on skype.

The next weekend we met up again at my grandma's and he went home, so we saw each other again. That weekend when he kissed me on that bridge at 2 o clock in the morning, that was it. We spend all night together, and I came home at 4 in the morning.

After that, every weekend, we arranged to meet and we would spend three days together.

Things weren't as simple as they seem. 

Here is the deal he is university, he lives on the other side of the world and I live here in Canada. All summer we told each other we weren't going to past the friendship line but on our last night, our hearts won over our souls.

We fell in love. Leaving him was one on the hardest things I had to do. No person in the world can imagine how it feels to leave someone you love. I didn't understand. I never understood how it feels to sense your own heart breaking. It physically hurts. I nearly fainted. He is the wings that keep my heart in the clouds. I have never cried so much in someone's arms. I never experienced physical emotional pain but this, this will hurt forever.

As I sit here, writing this, tears are streaming down my face, as I feel his last kiss on my lips, the last time he touched me and told me I was beautiful. Never forget, he said. We will meet again. I could see the pain in his eyes even though it was 4 o clock in the morning and I had to wake up in thirty minutes to go to the airport. I didnt care. Nothing mattered at that moment. My life was complete. His arms around me, please just hold me I whispered. Don't let me go. But he did, he had to let me go. And with that I left and a piece of me stayed with him.

The beautiful phrases he used to tell me can't  even be translated. The sad part is I don't remember them all, but his face is in my memory, and his heart is with me.

We understand each other, we laugh, we cry. He is older, wiser, he sees the world around him and wants to make a difference. Its funny how two people can complete each other. When I arrived to Canada, I called him and that's when he told me that he has fallen for me. It wasn't puppy love, it wasn't fake or pushed, it came naturally and that's the way it should be.

Now I am here, blessed with a great friend and cherishable memories, but the fact is we want to be with each other and can't. It sadens me to see couples fighting and people taking advatage of others, not greatful for what they have.

Life is a bitch and then we die.
Its reality.

Now all I can do is hope that next summer is as good as this one, and we do not loose touch because right now I see myself only with him.

Love, Petka

ahh summer. in many ways it's fantastic. in other ways, well it sorta sucks. To begin, my best friend's out of the country as usual, just chillin in Europe no big deal eh? ahah but she sounds happy so im happy that she's happy. I miss a lot of my friends too. Like ive seen a number of them but im really hoping to see a couple more soon. This summer especially isn't the most fantastic because i litterally only get about 11 days of actual summer which im trying to get the most into. Summer school took up the first month, and by the 11th of August, Ramadan is gonna kick in and that means no food or drink till sunset (around 8:30pm). Which in turn means i wont be doing anything other then marathoning One Tree Hill for the rest of August.
I have however tried to make the most of this summer :) I went to the movies and saw inception with this boy. I went gokarting and lunch at the mall with the girls. and the CN tower with the family.
Hoping to get in a Mac tour and maybe a day at Kelso beach in the next few days as well!
So that's it for summer.
There's something about these two months away from regular school, i mean when im at school all i want to do is leave. But now that it's out for the summer, i kinda just want to go back. Don't get me wrong i dont want anything to do with work or the fact that we're in gr.12 or any of that nonesense, i just like being able to see my friends everyday. I like that i can hang with whoever i want and not have to get parental permission to go out. I miss constant drama, even the little stuff, just something to freak out about for like 5 minutes. Summer is a little too laid back for me. I love it nonetheless though.
I went swimming today. I love water. Nuff said.
Twitter is not letting me in. It makes me said. F U fail Whale.
The boy insists we go swimming ensemble before summer lets out - and i quote "even if you have to sneak out to do it " <3
I don't really have much else on my mind. Like i said, it's summer, and nothing's going on.
Sorry bout the scarce posts, but it'll be back up and running when school gets back in.
Love always,
Haya

I am going to expose myself a little bit because for the past couple of days, actually ever since I wrote my last post, I have been feeling troubled.

Of course no one has the right answer and it is all up to you to paint your future, and walk your own path, but what if I cant find the colours and I only see rocks scattered in the grass.

Who ever saw that picture is probably really confused and doesnt understand how a person could feel that way, but when I saw that picture, all I though was... you might as well photoshop my face onto that girls body.

Well I am in a relationship, and as sad as it might sound, this is my longest, and for that matter probably my first real relationship.  Last night I told my best friend to let go and let herself be capable of loving an individual, because quite frankly this guy really likes her. She doesnt want to believe it.

What no one understands is that I am so capable of having crushes and liking people but I dont actually ever fall in love. I am scared of it, and I know im young and still have dreams ahead of me, but why is it that this perfectly decent guy is head over heels for me and I cant just cant find myself just letting go and having fun with him.

Its funny because this post completely contradicts my last post, but I am very set on changing my moods and emotions in a matter of minutes. I also have to come to terms with the fact that since I wrote my last post alot of things have happened between Karl and I. Things that might of been more appropriate for people going out for several months. We have been moving really fast and this is my biggest fear. Yes he is younger and yes he is unexperienced, so what if he only sees me as an opportunity or better yet a fuck buddy. At this point in time I will never know the truth and its not like I will be asking him any time soon, so what am I doing?

Do I let it go, and pretend that nothing is bothering me, or do I confront him and possible ruin my chances.

What if he only lies to my face and agrees that he is falling for me, and stupid me will believe him, and thinking this guy is completely head over heels for me, give up just about anything.
How do I distinguish between right and wrong, or fake and real?

My friend has experienced about the same situation as I, where as a matter of fact, our boyfriends were friends and we met them at the same time, but her relationship was progressing really fast on the physical part and not so much the emotional stability, so he ended it. He believed they werent going out enough but at the same time she was keeping him away from him friends, lets just say to this day she is a little confused but kind of releaved. Well I talk to her alot about my problems and she suggested to just let it go and enjoy my time with Karl and stop thinking about it.

Thats the problem I cannot stop thinking about it. I think too much, about everything and everyone. I cant just let things go.

He lives down the street from me, but he is kept on a leash by his parents, and we practically never see each other, and when we do, we dont exactly talk. It doenst really bother me because I love kissing him and such, and we do talk on the phone until like three o clock in the morning. But I am still second guessing and wondering. Should it be this way? I understand there is no manual or anything on these types of things, but sometimes I wish there was.

Seriously I wish I wasnt feeling this way. I hate questioning my own actions.

Love Petra.  


I am still a little shaken by the last couple of weeks. Its funny how your life can have a complete turning point in a matter of days. I went from being head over heels for a guy who lives about six hours away by plane, to a guy that lives ten minutes by foot.




I have to say that I am slowly finding the balance between whats important and what isnt.
I am happy to have reconsiled with some of my friends, that I felt like I might have been loosing touch to, like Chevalier. I am very glad to say that even though its the end of the year, I feel connected to her yet again, even though we have lost touch throughout the year due to other conflicts and priorities. I believe that new journeys are around the corner, and with my life going full speed ahead, there are new adventures to be shared and yet to be experienced.

I am carving out history. I am choosing my own paths, and doing more things for myself and for my happiness then ever. I do feel a little selfish, but I havent been this happy in a  long time.

Forgetting the past is not an option for me, but with the last couple of months being so rough on me, I feel like finally all those tears, missed opportunities and regrets are finally put towards something greater than that.
I take my downfalls and learn from them, even though school is important, I have made it my getaway and my place to relax, rather than the stressful place it used to be. I take deeper breaths and keep my eyes open. And this brought me to Karl.

Where do I begin with this story. It is so simple, so ordinary, that to me its these moments that I will remember forever. Finally I have found someone who cares and takes the time to care about me. No matter what anyone says to me he is pretty close to perfect, and we do fit.  I feel the love burning passion when he grabs my waist and pushes me against him, and kisses me so gently yet still manages to send shivers up my body. I never knew kissing could be so powerful and magical. I cannot even describe it to you, because the whole firework myth, has become my reality.

Its still all new and exciting so I do not want to make any conclusions, and even though we arent exactly taking it too slow, I have no regrets. I have waited all my life for a moment like this, and I am not letting anyone get in the way of my happiness. Not today. Today I will live my life to the fullest and with a smile on my face no matter how tired, depressed or sad I actually do feel.

I hope more moments like these occur in my life, and I hope others have similar ones, because without these fragments of time, life is not worth anything.

I have come to the conclusion that even though, Francisco is still running through my mind, even though I am on the verge of failing a class, I am on the verge of being sick, and have possibly gained alot of weight over the past week, I am still happy.

People have to see the good things in everything and everyone. That is something no one should forget, because when your happy everyone around you will be happy. If you like someone, go for it because it makes you happy, dont waste another moment.


Learn to love yourself before you give the chance for someone to love you back.
Learn to love fully, and live fully.
Smile, smile and smile even if you have brocolli in your teeth, at least you will make the person beside you laugh.

Love your family, your friends and most importantly yourself.

yours dearly, Petka

what have i gotten myself into?
this has gone way farther then i would have thought it would ever go, and with exams around the corner, this type of distraction, well it isn't advised. But i do like him. i do. i really do. but i know i shouldn't. I know i should stop this. Stop it now before anything really happens. But i don't want to.

My mind is on overdrive and i can't stop my head from spinning.
I want to throw my phone out the window and never look back. (but it's brand new and i love it, so i won't)
But these texts are getting to me. He's really getting to me. To the point i don't feel like eating when i think about everything that's going on. I get nauseous and ready to puke. This is not good.

I'm way in over my head. We're from completely different worlds.

And i'm not sure i want to leave my comfort zone that he so smoothly seems to keep pulling me out of.
What do i do?
I'm scared and worried and i've been shaking like mad. There's nothing there but my head seems to think there is. And now i'm sitting here thinking this past week over and wondering, do i really need this type of drama in my life?
 Maybe i should write a book, aha

Thinking loving always may not be so good,
until next time
Haya

Why does life leave me so confused? I'm actually on the internet reading up on this stuff, but he's not like every other guy, he's different and i'm afraid these "signs" don't apply. But if they do, then im going to go ahead and say we'r eon the right track.
I know a number of you dealing with your own boy issues, so here's a checklist for you to see if he may possibly, mildly, somewhat in a million years, maybe like you too :p

1. Does he rarely turns his back to you, often leans towards you, and also looks at you a lot?

2. Does he either look away quickly or hold your gaze (depending on whether or not he's a shy guy)?

3. Does he talk about himself? (he's probably a little nervous)

4. Does he touch you? (not like that -___-) but hugs, leans in and touches your arm, etc..you know those little things that make you freak out a little ;)

5. Here's an easy one, does he treat you any differently then other girls?

6.Has he shown intrest in something you're interested in?

7. Does he appear nervous?

8.Does he mirror you? (look it up, it's an interesting take on the matter, never woulda thought it :s)

9.Does he tease, shove, playfully punche and poke you.

10.Does he compliment you?

So basically, anything you look up, will give you that checklist, or a rough summary of it. Trust i've been around, and they're all the same, soo im thinking maybe they 're somewhat maybe a lttle true.

Well i sure hope they are, cuz he falls into many of those. And omg what a cutie he is.
I wish people were less judgemental. No one bothers to give people outside their own comfortable social circle a chance, i really wish they would :)
Because they just might find something unexpected, just like i did.
OHH and another indication that came up, thanks to franzmann over there and also a couple sites,,,
: if he asks for your number, he's interested.

I liked ^^this one. :) It's soo blunt and to the point and i was like, yes please, be true.

So the signs are all there. And now we just wait. We'll see what happens.
I quite enjoi this.


The only thing that's keeping me on edge is other people. I've heard a couple people, well specifically two, for the most part if you know who he is, you can probably guess who they are. Anyways, they dislike him, and frankly he doesn't fancy them either and finds them slightly annoying with their chatter. Bt they are still my friends, and it's upseting when i hear things like "oh i hate him" and "he's so stupid, he just thinks he's smart, but he's not" and such. It's sad, it really is. Because in ertain subjects he's got so much info packed in his head, you'll sit there like WTF?! where did all of this come from. But no one takes the chance to listen.
And so i feel like, if anything ever did happen, i get some pretty nasty remarks, that i don't think i could take with a straight face.
Some people say i could do better. Frankly, i don't want to. Screw doing better. I like him. Forget Status Quo and that bs. Let us be different.

Love always,
Haya 



So basically, i'm flipping shit.
This is such uncharted territory, a place i've never been. I'm worried it'll dissapear as quickly as it appeared.
My stomach's been in knots for the past 3 days and i can't explain it. I spazz. I shake. I cry. I laugh. And it all seems sureal, because this kind of thing doesn't happen to me. It happens to everyone else, but me.
I'm worried that i'm reading into it more then i should. I'm worried i'll say the wrong thing and things will just end. I really don't want them too.
I'm in this weird place right now. And i know im probably annoyng some of my friends with the frequent spazzez and i'm sorry but i'm lost and confused and need your direction, or at least someone to freak out too.
He's a nice and i like him. That is all.

**i love having a cellphone with text messaging <3

Love always,
Haya <3 

No matter how much I do not want to feel this constant feeling of jealousy, it is like the more I run away from it, the more faster it comes back to me.

Jealousy loves my company.

The Story.

So, this is going to sound completely and outterly shameless. It is not like me to feel this way. I mean yes I am the jealous type, but I usually don't care as much as I do now. So everyone, and yes I mean everyone is getting themselves into relationships, if its my guy friends or girl friends, I am surrounded and in between every single possible relationship. The funny thing is I do not have one myself.
I do not want to expose certain people.
And I wont.
But my three closest friends... well ... they were completely single two months ago and now its like raining men. And i must say so myself I have never been more happy for them, yes, seriously, Im truly ecstatic with happy emotions, but at the same time I cant help to wonder why yet again Im not going anywhere.

Everyone has problems. I feel like half of my friends are fighting and the other half is completely happy. My best friend has finally found, as I see it, her perfect match. While the other best friend has finally found her inner self and her power to love, and discovered that she also will have a happy ending with a boy. And I know this. My other best friend has always had guys in her life, like always, and when I say always I mean like every day, so Im not too worried about her, because she is probably the most powerful self controlled girl I have ever met.

Then it comes to people I have just encountered or been friends for a while, its a little more sketchy. See as one relationship is blooming, another is heading for the falls. Or may I add two. Might as well mention my friend who is desperatly trying to attract a guy she has had her eyes on him forever and may I add she is not really getting anywhere. Im sorry.

And then of course, there is me. Me, me and me. I'm nowhere close to any of these stories, and no matter how much I want to say I wish I was the main character of one of them, I always knew my story was going to be just a little bit more difficult. And of course it is. Well as I mentioned him in the other blog, he has been apart of my life for three months now, and the way he makes me feel in undescribable. Well there is a catch, he has been in love with the same girl in the past 3 years. Yes. 3 fucken years. How the hell can I ever compete with that?

This leads me to my confusion. Im standing here, or more correctly speaking sitting here, feeling empty. Im empty because apart of me is sad knowing my friends are going into unknown stages that include boy drama and dates. Im sad because I know we all have to move along. Im sad because I know I will never be with him or for that matter meet him, and even if I do, it will not be any time soon. This scares me, because I feel myself slowly comparing every single guy I meet to him. His looks, his thoughts, his perspectives, his sense of humour, our conversations. this completely sucks.

As for the feeling of jealousy, well let me clear that up. Im not jealous of my friends. Im jealous of the fact that I cant have what they have with my guy. this scares me. And no matter how much I am here for them, at the back of my mind Im thinking about myself. And I know thats wrong. Its super wrong. But what if everyone around me, falls in love and Im left all alone. Im terrified.

I do not know if this is what I wanted to protray in this post, Im not sure how many of you will understand what Im trying to say. But overall Im extremely grateful for my friends and the fact that at least most of them are finally happy, and Im so thrilled to be apart of their lives and experience these moments with them. Because let me tell you, these are moments to remember.

Dear lovers, Petka

"So I was going through my phone, and I noticed something was missing." 

so today, in short, i died. 


 andd alsoo! i made this ad for media class. I'm advertising sector 9 longboaards, whatchu think?







Love always,
Haya<3

Top ↑