No matter how much I do not want to feel this constant feeling of jealousy, it is like the more I run away from it, the more faster it comes back to me.

Jealousy loves my company.

The Story.

So, this is going to sound completely and outterly shameless. It is not like me to feel this way. I mean yes I am the jealous type, but I usually don't care as much as I do now. So everyone, and yes I mean everyone is getting themselves into relationships, if its my guy friends or girl friends, I am surrounded and in between every single possible relationship. The funny thing is I do not have one myself.
I do not want to expose certain people.
And I wont.
But my three closest friends... well ... they were completely single two months ago and now its like raining men. And i must say so myself I have never been more happy for them, yes, seriously, Im truly ecstatic with happy emotions, but at the same time I cant help to wonder why yet again Im not going anywhere.

Everyone has problems. I feel like half of my friends are fighting and the other half is completely happy. My best friend has finally found, as I see it, her perfect match. While the other best friend has finally found her inner self and her power to love, and discovered that she also will have a happy ending with a boy. And I know this. My other best friend has always had guys in her life, like always, and when I say always I mean like every day, so Im not too worried about her, because she is probably the most powerful self controlled girl I have ever met.

Then it comes to people I have just encountered or been friends for a while, its a little more sketchy. See as one relationship is blooming, another is heading for the falls. Or may I add two. Might as well mention my friend who is desperatly trying to attract a guy she has had her eyes on him forever and may I add she is not really getting anywhere. Im sorry.

And then of course, there is me. Me, me and me. I'm nowhere close to any of these stories, and no matter how much I want to say I wish I was the main character of one of them, I always knew my story was going to be just a little bit more difficult. And of course it is. Well as I mentioned him in the other blog, he has been apart of my life for three months now, and the way he makes me feel in undescribable. Well there is a catch, he has been in love with the same girl in the past 3 years. Yes. 3 fucken years. How the hell can I ever compete with that?

This leads me to my confusion. Im standing here, or more correctly speaking sitting here, feeling empty. Im empty because apart of me is sad knowing my friends are going into unknown stages that include boy drama and dates. Im sad because I know we all have to move along. Im sad because I know I will never be with him or for that matter meet him, and even if I do, it will not be any time soon. This scares me, because I feel myself slowly comparing every single guy I meet to him. His looks, his thoughts, his perspectives, his sense of humour, our conversations. this completely sucks.

As for the feeling of jealousy, well let me clear that up. Im not jealous of my friends. Im jealous of the fact that I cant have what they have with my guy. this scares me. And no matter how much I am here for them, at the back of my mind Im thinking about myself. And I know thats wrong. Its super wrong. But what if everyone around me, falls in love and Im left all alone. Im terrified.

I do not know if this is what I wanted to protray in this post, Im not sure how many of you will understand what Im trying to say. But overall Im extremely grateful for my friends and the fact that at least most of them are finally happy, and Im so thrilled to be apart of their lives and experience these moments with them. Because let me tell you, these are moments to remember.

Dear lovers, Petka

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