This is all I want. All I ever needed.

Let's be friends, that's what he said nearly four weeks ago. So then what happened.

My friends this summer has been the turning point of my life. First of I broke up with the guy who was a complete mistake. I have learned that no matter how much you try to force love on yourself the more you push it away.

I am in the most vulnerable position of my life. I have lost 6 pounds, and have cried for about 4 days straight. My eyes are red, puffy and the tears just keep rolling. There is no stopping these emotions. This is something real.

Here is the story.


I basically was in a relationship where all I ever wondered was he is not the guy, what am I doing, I am not happy, I shouldn't be doing this. I left for Europe with the same thoughts and feelings, but stupid me, I did not do anything with them. I left it. I was too afraid to break his heart and leave him vulnerable. I kept thinking maybe I am supposed to be with this guy, maybe love takes time, maybe I will come back and finally feel something.

I was wrong. Doing nothing about such bad feelings just left me breaking up with him on the phone. I couldn't do it anymore. So, on my birthday, august 3rd, I called him and told him that I never had any real feelings for him and I was lying to myself and him, that I did. Obviously he was not happy to hear the news, but honestly I was completely fine. That just shows how much I really did not care about him.

On the other hand, I have been at my grandmas house two weeks already and there was this guy. Three words to describe him. Tall, dark and handsome. Luckily I told myself no guys, no relationships and no drama this summer.

My promise has been broken. Not even realizing the situation, I started talking to him. Now I just look back on the day, thinking I should of ran then and there. But no. Curious me, we hit up conversation about his life, my life, school, friends; the typical conversation starters. His smile hit me, his mysterious eyes looked  right at me and I was gone. That night he invited me to go out, but my cousin had a fever so I had to cancel.

After our conversations got deeper, our relationship bloomed into a friendship. In a matter of two weeks, we had time to go to a rock concert, out for dinner, to a pub, for walks and played badminton till midnight. We spent mutliple hours on the phone and when I left to my other grandma's house and he left for work, we spent our nights talking on skype.

The next weekend we met up again at my grandma's and he went home, so we saw each other again. That weekend when he kissed me on that bridge at 2 o clock in the morning, that was it. We spend all night together, and I came home at 4 in the morning.

After that, every weekend, we arranged to meet and we would spend three days together.

Things weren't as simple as they seem. 

Here is the deal he is university, he lives on the other side of the world and I live here in Canada. All summer we told each other we weren't going to past the friendship line but on our last night, our hearts won over our souls.

We fell in love. Leaving him was one on the hardest things I had to do. No person in the world can imagine how it feels to leave someone you love. I didn't understand. I never understood how it feels to sense your own heart breaking. It physically hurts. I nearly fainted. He is the wings that keep my heart in the clouds. I have never cried so much in someone's arms. I never experienced physical emotional pain but this, this will hurt forever.

As I sit here, writing this, tears are streaming down my face, as I feel his last kiss on my lips, the last time he touched me and told me I was beautiful. Never forget, he said. We will meet again. I could see the pain in his eyes even though it was 4 o clock in the morning and I had to wake up in thirty minutes to go to the airport. I didnt care. Nothing mattered at that moment. My life was complete. His arms around me, please just hold me I whispered. Don't let me go. But he did, he had to let me go. And with that I left and a piece of me stayed with him.

The beautiful phrases he used to tell me can't  even be translated. The sad part is I don't remember them all, but his face is in my memory, and his heart is with me.

We understand each other, we laugh, we cry. He is older, wiser, he sees the world around him and wants to make a difference. Its funny how two people can complete each other. When I arrived to Canada, I called him and that's when he told me that he has fallen for me. It wasn't puppy love, it wasn't fake or pushed, it came naturally and that's the way it should be.

Now I am here, blessed with a great friend and cherishable memories, but the fact is we want to be with each other and can't. It sadens me to see couples fighting and people taking advatage of others, not greatful for what they have.

Life is a bitch and then we die.
Its reality.

Now all I can do is hope that next summer is as good as this one, and we do not loose touch because right now I see myself only with him.

Love, Petka

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