Today my mom told me that i am a lucky child. Can someone please explain that to me? I dont understand. From the outside I am, and dont get me wrong I feel lucky, but why do we always strive for greater things, and never end up being satisfied with what we have. I mean the world revolves around competition and making things happen.

This brings me to this blog.

I have been saving my stories, my thoughts and feelings for too long. I need to write them out. I have debated the title to this post, many hours. And I am not lying when I say this, I still dont know if I choose the right title. My next story deals with too many emotions, confusion and I feel there is no right word to describe it. I mean I can use things like independence, love, lust, competition, heart break, etc. but none of them fit all the events.

A month ago when my father suprised the family with the big news: going to Cuba again. My mother threw herself on the floor, literally. The whole family was so happy and I was thrilled for about 4 hours, and then I though, oh no. Everyone will hate me, again for going on vacation. I mean instead of being happy for me, they are the opposite, and even those who lie to my face, I know what they are thinking. I would be thinking the same thing. I am not going to try to persuade you to not be jealous because I would be too. But honestly no matter how selfish this sounds I didnt want to go. I dont know why, but I just didnt want to go.

Right before we left Haya told me something was going to happen, I think she cursed me.

The trip consisted of my closest family. We got to the airport and everything was going smoothly. Too smooth may I add. We were planning on eating because we didnt have any nutrition at home, but to our luck the restaurants were all full and there was a 40 minute wait.

So obviously we left. They ended up buying a pizza, that I didnt want. I knew I was going to be sick, I just knew. But I was forced and over run to eat it, since that was our only choice and I was starving, I ate it. What happened? I am pretty sure we almost made an emergency landing because I was soo sick, at one point one of the flight attendants had to hold me, because I was going to faint. Basically I spent all flight in the bathroom, not a good start.

We came to Cuba it was about 9:30 on a saturday night, dead tired from the flight we had to travel another 45 minutes until we finally reached the hotel. I mean I wasnt complaining except I felt like stripping down in the middle of the bus. I was literally swimming in my own sweat. hot. very hot.

The rooms very minimal, I mean its Cuba what did I expect right? I have been there before and its no RIO, or Grand Oasis, but the thing is... I like it this way. Its very homey. I mean the Cubans give their tourists everything they have got and people going there have to expect that because we for instance were going there for the beauty of the ocean and the beach. I love the nature there, I could live there for the ocean and the beach.

Another thing that was not so good is that all week I didnt eat. I was scared. I hated the feeling I had on the plane and I wasnt ready to experience that again. Like all I could think of was being sick, so my diet was minimal. It consisted of orange juice( freshly squezed), bread, grapefruit and cake. Great, not kidding seriously... it was great, I felt wonderful and always full. Another thing that was amazing and I cant even begin to described how hard i laughed every night. My grandma is my hero. Every night she took her crossword puzzle book and she would spent like three hours killing mosquitos, and everytime she killed one we would do a little dance. It was wonderful, the highlight of my vacation, seeing my grandma thrilled everytime she killed a mosquito. Regardless I got about 50 mosquito bites , 15 of them on my hands and about 30 on my legs, 2 on my face and 5 in the weirdest places.

The first couple of days, I literally burned my ass off on the sun, I would just sleep on the beach, but knowing me I got bored very easily and I just cannot deal the heat. So I swam alot, and may I add, I did alot of exploring of my own. Well lets begin with boy number one. So this guy was a complete pig. He would spent his days in the bar and trying to get all the young tourist girls drunk, and god knows what, what else. Well obviously I played with his head, because I didnt fall for his charming comments. So he was the head of the animation at our hotel, and the first time he saw me he invited me to the beach party, which was lamer than I though. I was expecting like cuban dances and finally some hot cuban guy would teach me to salsa, but instead i got bunch of old canadian tourists humping. it was an awesome view. Well the next day he saw me and asked me for my name, and age. He told me and i quote " so you are one of the younger ones". I was like great, but definatly not stupid ones. So he invited me for a drink and i said no, he said ohh why not, i said i am gona go eat lunch, he gave me a dirty look. i walked away. All week he was trying to get me to go to the bar with him, everytime i said no or i literally ran away when i saw him. He one of those creepy nice guys.

Meanwhile, I took long walks on the beach, which consisted of people staring at me, especially from the different beaches. One walk I took was one of the most interesting walks of my life. I met a naked mexican, which his thing was dangling in my face, I am sure he was half drunk, and then as I kept walking I met two lesbians making out while the third girl was taping them. Definatly hard images to erase.

You know how security guys are supposed to protect you? well these security guys were more like hitting on me. So i am sure if they saw me getting raped on the beach, instead of helping me, they would join. Not a good feeling to have while walking alone, thats why I didnt go anywhere by myself : rarely. This brings me to guy number two. He was wow, interesting lets just say. The one day I was walking alone back to my room after dinner, he stopped me and told me I was beautiful, of course, thats what they all say, and they we had a decent convo, with his broken english and my two word spanish, we got along just fine. He told me his name was Daniel and he was the lifeguard every other day. he told me he will look for me, i didnt want him to look for me , but i just nodded and walked away.

This brings me to guy number three which I met on thursday night, he was probably what girls here would call gino. He was very nice, my favourite guy I met. He was on the short side, but had gorgeous eyes, like hazel/ green. All I could think was wow we would make pretty eyed babies. But no. He was buff like his arms where pretty big and he body was definatly like greek god bodies. So he was the pool boy.

We met on the beach, everyone left me there, and I was listening to my beautiful tunes, staring at the sunset. People scattered and slowly dissapeared, while I was still enjoying the warm sun. He was walking around me collecting the chair thingies I was lying on, and he asked me if I was done with the chairs beside me. And i said yes, then I told him that he could take my chair too and I got up, fixed my bikini, flipped my hair, took of my sunglasses and stretched. I turn around and this guy is like eyeing me down. and I probably have turned like 6 shades of red by now. I look at him and smile and then he is still standing there like a statue, anyways somehow we start talking and wow. It was the most difficult converstation I have ever had. I dont remember anything we said, because nothing was in spanish or english. I swear to you in that 40 minute talk we had, we made up our own language. It was so adorable. he was trying so hard. The only thing i remember is him telling me that i was big , and beautiful, and asked me if i was cold (frio) which i actually understood and then he asked me if he could make me warmer. and obviously i said no. akward. then he wanted to go swim with me and i said no. I kept rejecting him, but like this guy was like super nice, 22 years old, but like there was something about him I couldnt get myself to be open with him. I was very quiet, which is weird for me.

That same night I went to take another walk, I met these two canadians. The husband reminded me greatly of Adam Sandler, while the woman was a sweatheart, she told me I was very pretty for a Canadian woman which made me feel extremely good. haha too bad I aint canadian, but thats a different story. anyways she broke her ankle and she had to get surgery in cuba because they were there for 3 weeks and it was like an emergency, and then we were talking about different clubs and how I really want to go dancing. Out of nowhere this other lifeguard comes and the canadian girl starts telling him, how i want to go dancing and that he should take me and I was like umm he is married, which he was by the way. He was like " it doesnt matter, I dont love my wife" blah blah blah blah. I was standing there like wow. I was like dont tell me this, be faithful to your wife, and he was like she cant dance , all she does is scream at me. And thats when randomly the canadian girl pulls out this like cuba guide book and starts showing me this page where it lets you see how the cuban guys see tourist women. and it basically explains that the men choose if they will be faithful to their wife of cheat on them with these tourists, and like obvioulsy the cuban ladies hate us, and in conclusion I felt horrible for all the women in cuba after reading that. Out of nowhere this extremely fat women comes, and I am sorry for being vulgar or disrespectful to bigger women, but this was like I have never seen such an obese woman, like I am sorry, but I have never witnessed such a huge figure in real life, I have seen many people over weight but this was just bad. Anyways she comes crying and like the canadian girl hugs her, and I am standing there like this conversation cannot get any weirder. Later on I find out, that she jsut said by to her boyfriend, who lives in some city in Cuba and she comes to visit him randomly and basically they are practically engaged, and I am like wow poor you, he is obviously just using you to get to Canada or what ever. Like he doesnt actually love you, you guys have known each other for like 2 weeks maximal. but I was still sad for her and all, and pretended that everything was going to be ok, but it just seemed like an impossible situation.

The next day, i dedicated my time to suntanning again. That night I sat on the beach because it was our last night there, and to my suprise this older man, stops and gives me a gorgeous twisted shell and tells me it reminded him of my beauty. which I was flattered, dont get me wrong, but when he sat beside me, not gonna lie I was freaked out a little bit. So he asks me my name and where I am from, I tell him I am from Canada, and to my suprise he answers that he is from Slovakia, and I almost fainted. I was like no way I am from Slovakia. Like what are the odds. We had an amazing conversation which was interrupted by the darkness that came upon us. I told him i had to leave him, and I left. As I was walking to the restaturant where everyone was waiting for me, I ran into guy number 2: the lifeguard. I was like noooo, just run, run, run maybe he hasnt seen you yet. But then he screams Petra, and I turn around like fuck . So I was like hi, I havent seen you all day, he was like really well I saw you. I was like really, and then to my suprise he starts saying ya you were sitting there, and then you took a walk on the beach and then you went to eat and then you went into your room, etc etc. I was thinking like wow compare to you stalking is nothing.

I was extremely scared standing there alone with him, in the dark. He starts telling me how much he missed me, and asks for my room number. at that point i was like ok i am walking away. he stops me and tells me he loves me. then what i though was "can you give me a peso" ( which is their money), actually meant he was asking for a kiss. I got super terrified and started waking away. He got down to his knees and started like pleading and pleading for just one kiss. How desperate can you get boy? randomly the security guy comes and tells the pleading guy, who finally got off the floor by the way, well he tells him that I am the queen of the hotel and that I am the most beautiful girl there. I was like aww thank you but I am gona go. I ran. Honestly I ran.

The next morning was the most devastating morning. It was the last day, last morning, last breakfast and I still couldnt get guy number 4 off my mind. He was the one, I wanted. The one and only. Well let me tell you about Roberto Carlo. he was the waiter at the bar by the pool, and I cannot begin to tell you how many times I walked by that bar during that week, in different outfits, different hairstyles and different shoes, just to get his attention. He wasnt anything special but to me he was just different. He didnt look at me with those hungry eyes like everyone else. I mean dont want to sound modest but the amount of times I heard your beautiful that week was probably the most I will ever hear in my whole entire life. Well Roberto was different and again he was the one I wanted the most, but the one that didnt want me. Like how unlucky can I get. That same morning guy number 3 was trying to get me into a hole. that sounds hilarious, but let me tell you the truth it was by the pool, this opening down to these pipes and what not, and there were these stairs going down. He was like come with me, lets go down there, we can make love, and that much I could understand in spanish, with his winking looks and blowing kisses, he disgusted me right there. I cant deal with guys who throw themselves on me. I dont feel like I matter. I just love teasing them, but I dont actually want them. Like what is wrong with me? plese tell me. how mean am I.

I got soo upset because I didnt know how to get Roberto or better yet his attention, he was so oblivious. but his deep brown eyes and his tall muscular body, I couldnt take it. I was drawn to him. Everything about him was screaming my name. He walked by me several times with his head down, even though I would see him with his buddies laughing and joking around. Like why was it everytime I was around he just closed off.

I had a mental break down. No matter how stupid, selfish, or imature this sounds, I just cryed all saturday morning and friday night. I rejected every guy and everyone, and I jsut got so upset, and so tired of never getting the thing or the one I wanted. Why. Tell me why. Its always like this. I felt like a toy, again it reminded me of my past events, and I didnt want to go there. I feel unwanted, and just useless. I am smarter than that. I knew exactly what the guys wanted from me, all of them, down to the last one. I aint stupid for my age. Thats why the fact that he didnt want me pissed me off, because I was considering actually trying with this one. But I had no hope, he was just no into me and there was nothing I could do with that.

So the last four hours before our departure from the hotel, I got drunk. I had vodka, and about 6 beers. and I went to the bar, straight to Roberto and said " you are really quiet", and with my broken down spanish I had the strength to use the word timido, which means shy. He smiled, I died. he said no, you are shy, I smiled. Shakira was playing and I asked him if he though she was pretty, he said ya. Then he asked me for my age, before I had the chance to answer, he answered his own question which kinda through me off track. how did he know? did someone talk about me? later on I found out I was the hot topic of the hotel. awesome... He was even better up close than from the far, he was one of those people that made me smile and laugh, even though i was a little on the tipsy side, when he started dancing I died laughing. When I told him i was leving today, he told me he wanted a picture with me and I asked him why? He told me because he wanted a memory with such a beautiful girl. Like my life was complete right there. I didnt need anything more or less. It was perfect. I probably hit the level ten of my redness chart. He told me he will miss me. It was one of those moments where you didnt need words to describe how you felt about each other. we would just stare into each others eyes and thats all we needed. like for five minutes straight not even kidding you right now. I get all squirmy just thinking about it. There was more conversation and more amazing moments but these were my highlights. I had to go get ready, but I was very upset because when I was sitting there at the bar with my family he pretended like he didnt know me, like we have never had that two hour conversation and shared those moments. I was so upset, that I could go and scream at him, but I didnt of course. My parents left with the warning that I had to go get ready.

I told them i was going to go take one last look at the beach, instead I went to the bar to say bye, the most akward bye of my life. He held my hand and said nice to meet you and then I was waiting like an idiot, everyone was staring at us and I was just staring at him. And then without further notice I left him. What I though was our last time together wasnt because shortly after 3 minutes before the bus came I went to grab something and it gave me one last opportunity to go by the bar, which was perfect because he saw me and waved, and I waved and blew him a kiss. I felt a rock fall off my chest. It gave me a conclusion for some reason. It gave me the feeling of reassurance. I was content with myself.

And thats how I left Cuba, because my airport experience was also amazing,where my mom left me with my sick brother, sleeping sister and for my luck these two nice ladies sat beside me with these three old men. Two of them were married to the new ladies, while the third one was completely drunk and may I add he sat right across from me. Creepiest thing ever, he told me he had a crush on me and told me I was very HOT. LIKE WTF> I am sorry there is a limit here. I have the permission to swear and feel the way I am feeling now. and it does not end here. he takes a picture of me. I swear to you I was gona call security, but thankfully the other guy his friend, told me he was harmless and he was very nice and his son goes to north bay, nippissing university so we became friends. Plus he told me a story of these two girls that were at his hotel, and basically they slept with these two cubans and they though that they were in love, but as it turns out the cubans just used them and the next morning pretended that the girls didnt even exist. To be honest it made me feel like I made great decisions and I was satisfied with the way the week turned out. but like i got too much love on this vacation.


Overall the flight back home was very good, I though about my whole trip and decided to erase all the times I felt useless and had all the bad mental break downs. So it left me with all of these funny, some creepy, some sad memories. Obviously this is just a taste of Cuba and you have to go there to believe me. Make sure you bring a can of pepper spray, I recomend it greatly. This vacation was very personal and I think I did alot of growing up, maybe you dont see a difference, but I feel the difference because I feel for once in my life I did something right.


Love, Petka

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