okay so im not going to rant about boys
im not going to rant about skinny/ugly/pretty
and im not going to rant about drama.

I'm going to sit here and say that i want to live life. Live it to all its extent. I want to be able to look back and say, "yeah, i did good". No regrets.
Ive heard far to many stories and read far too many novels and seen far too many films that have someone's life cut short without them being able to completely satisfy their desire to live. I'm not saying i'm going to become terminally ill, or die suddenly in a car accident or anything of sorts (god forbid), but i am saying that those things happen; i am only human and am not immune to. If it can happen to the kid down the block, or that girl i used to know. If it can happen to her dad or his mom. Then it can happen to me. And it can happen to you. All i hope for is that we live our lives to our satisfaction.
Satisfaction is different for many people. Someone's life fullfillment may be getting the job and being successful while some else's may be something differently entirly, such as simply wanting to experience true love.
I don't know what my life fullfillement is at the moment. But i do know that i want to start working towards it. I want to grow old with a family. I want to love and be loved. But most of all, i want to be happy, truly, genuinly, without a doubt happy. I know that if i can reach that i will go peacefully.
I had a dream last night. And although some of it is still hazy, i do remmeber some parts that stood out.
For starters, i made a short film and sent it in to a film contest. For the life of me i could not decipher what the film was about, but apperently it was good. It made it to a film festival out in calgary. See that's where im thrown off and don't understand, why would my subconsicous dilebratly force me to leave home. As it was i left, had some money, got a plane ticket and left, i didnt tell a soul where i'd gone. In a way i knew that my parents would probably support something as big as that but in another way i knew i had to go on my own.
Something about the dream made me realize, that as much as i love my parents and all they've done for me, im never going to get the experiences and independence i need if i live with them past highschool. I need to be able to branch out and experience things outside my comfort zone and i can't do that under their roof. So now i am determined to convince them to let me go. I can't promise i won't make mistakes. I can't promise ill be home every weekend. And i can't promise i will succeed. But i can promise to try and to learn. I will promise to learn from the mistakes i make. I promise to come home as often as i can and i promise to try my best and hopefully some success will come of it. So to my parents: I love you but, you've just got to let me go.
Love always,
Haya

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