By with love on Monday, May 10, 2010 @ 9:07 PM
Please.
Please tell me this is what he is thinking.
How will I ever know the truth. Guys are truly unpredictable.
To be honest, I really do not know what I expect from anyone.
I like when people suprise others in a positive way, making them happier, and I'm sure most of you will agree with this statement. So why is it that we say words that tend to hurt others more than they make them happy? I ask myself everyday, am I the person I want to be. Did I tell everyone how I really felt about them, and how many of my friends did I make happy today. Sometimes we do not think about how our actions can affect people around us. And no matter how much we try to make ourselves be that nice person, no one is. Everyone talks about everyone, and everyone says mean things about others. It is the reality.
All I can say, is that I try to always remember to tell everyone exactly how I feel at that very moment, so just in case anything happens, I have no regrets.
Today a girl in my class told a lie. It wasn't a big lie, but the fact that she lied to 6 of her friends, kind of made me think. She lied about her test mark, which isn't a big deal at all but why couldn't she just tell the truth or at least said she didn't want to share her marks. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It made me think about how many people lie to my face everyday. She was lying straight to my face.
Well, this brings me to my brainstorming and how much my life is a lie. I really suck at lying. Like I cannot lie.
Except over the internet.
I made myself older, than I really am ... multiple times.
It is not a crime. But since I have been talking to him for more than three months now, this lie is eating me inside.
He has been gone for a week now.
I miss him
is a weak statement
I have been forcing myself to stay away from the computer, and any other sort of technology that would remind me of him. I stopped talking about him.
This is a big step for me, and I think alot of people are thinking I am over it. But the truth is, the more he is gone, the more I want him back in my world.
I realized that other than lying about my age, this guy pretty much knows as much about me as my best friend. And for that matter I cannot let go. I can't even face the fact that one day, he might as well delete me off of msn. I will be screwed. I do not want to come to terms with the fact that I like him more than he likes me, because this though makes me shiver with embarassement.
I have never fought so much with a person in my life. And I think the reason for that is that our similar personalities do not clash so well once we are debating about preferable topics. We will struggle over the stupidest things, but our stubborness always gets through. We usually end up talking two hours later like nothing happened. I do not like walking away from my problems, but he has taught me to be less considerate. Which sounds like a bad thing, but honestly wasting your life fighting and solving one problem can get tireing.
I remember one specific day, when we got in a fight over pant sizes. Do not even ask. Stupidest fight ever. But the point is, he told me that to make things easier we should just completely stop talking. He said that things like this do not just happen to people like us, and did I really expect our story to have a happy ending. I remember my heart pounding with anger, at the though of him just erasing me like that out of his life, after I spend hours and hours talking to him till dawn. This was a month ago. Now more time has passed and we grew stronger, and also it became harder for me to let go.
I am scared for that day. I am terrified for that moment when I know for one reason or another, this person that I became so close with, I have to now let go.
I now realized that our story will not have a happy ending.
I am frightened of that last goodbye.
I know in my heart it will come, and apart of me will leave with him.
For now, him not in my life is out of the equation, because he is to much involved. I like it this way.
For now, all I can wait is for our next conversation and him ranting about how great New york city was.
For now, im lost without his direction.
For now, him smiling is just about everything he has to do to make me smile.
I am a lost cause.
Seriously.
I am really tired of saying goodbye to everyone I love. Seems like everyone I have ever gotten close to has left me one way or the other. So many people have affected my life, and then our paths diverged.
I am sick of it.
For now, 4 days and counting.
Love, Petka
4 Comments:
i like this. it's honest.
boys are stupid. but we're stupid enough to like em. :( it's a vicious cycle.
love youu gurll
and might i add, you didn't sign off :(
with you're petka :(
love you always and hope he comes back soon
haya <3
:) lol i added it, :) thanks for reminding me.
This blog took alot out of me to be honest. I just completely went on a rampage of how I am feeling. I feel better now (L)
Hahaha that girl who lied about her mark ;)
I can't lie either, I'm absolutely terrible at it. I've been embarassed by it many times *cough* When Jordan Rheaume asked me if I liked hl last year *cough* ...
I know I already told you, but I love the way you write, it's really honest as Haya said :)
xoxo
:) thank you chevalier, you make me happy when you read and comment, my nonsense and rants :)
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